Part of the “How Can I Change?” series. See parts one, two, three, four, five, and six

Confession (Prov 28:13)

“Whoever conceals his transgressions will not prosper, but he who confesses and forsakes them will obtain mercy.”

What is the passage saying?

1. Two Paths

• Concealing sin = failure
• Confessing and forsaking sin = mercy

2. Two Parties

• God (Jas 4:6; 1 John 1; Ps 51)
• Others (Jas 5:13-18)

Sin is like mold, it flourishes in dark places. When we shine light on the sin, it begins to die.

How is it connected to grace?

It takes God’s grace to see our sin, confess it, and repent (Acts 16:14)

Confession brings us to the place where we can receive mercy (Jas 4:6-10)

What will it look like in my life? (How does that actually help me change?)

Example: Your friend is struggling with something, but they won’t tell you with what. After multiple periods of time where they seem to become depressed, they finally open up with you. They have been involved in an area of sin that has affected them and others. How do they go about beginning to make things right through confession?

Steps (Taken from Lambert, “Finally Free”)

• Confess Your Sin to All Who Have Been Touched by Your Sin
• Do Not Confess Your Sin to Those Who Are Not Touched by Your Sin
• Confess Your Sin with a Willingness to Accept the Consequences of Your Sin
• Consider Confessing Your Sin with a Third Party Who Can Help with the Response
• Confess Your Sin Thoroughly, but Not Necessarily Exhaustively
• Confess Your Sin without Making Any Excuses for Your Sin

What can I Do?

• Is there a room in your life that needs the lights turned, shades pulled, and doors opened?
• What is it that is keeping you from doing that?
• How could your mentor help you with this?

“David knew that his guilt began with the condition of his heart, not with external actions.” (Covington, David. “Psalm 51: Repenter’s Guide.” JBL 20, no. 1 (2001): 21–39.)

Resources:

• Anyabwile, Thabiti M. “How to Make a Confession and Extend Forgiveness.”
• Covington, David. “Psalm 51: Repenter’s Guide.” The Journal of Biblical Counseling 20, no. 1 (2001): 21–39.
• Hambrick, Brad. “What You Don’t Need to Forgive.” Grace and Truth: BCC
• Lane, Timothy S. “Pursuing and Granting Forgiveness.” The Journal of Biblical Counseling 23, no. 2 (2005): 52–59.
• Lane, Timothy S., and Paul David Tripp. Relationships: A Mess Worth Making. New Growth Press, 2006.
• Mounce, Bill. “What To Do When You Fail.” Trans·formed.
• Sproul, R. C. What Can I Do With My Guilt? (Crucial Questions Series) (Crucial Questions. Reformation Trust Publishing, 2011.
• Wilson, Jared. “Confession as Idle, Lustful Babbling: 5 Errors.”

Here is a convicting excerpt from the excellent devotional, “Heart of the Matter: Daily Reflections for Changing Hearts and Lives” by New Growth Press

“No human being was ever meant to be the source of personal joy and contentment for someone else. Your spouse, your friends, and your children cannot be the sources of your identity. When you seek to define who you are through those relationships, you are asking another sinner to be your personal messiah, to give you the inward rest of soul that only God can give. Only when I have sought my identity in the proper place (in my relationship with God) am I able to put you in the proper place as well. When I relate to you knowing that I am God’s child and the recipient of his grace, I am able to serve and love you. However, if I am seeking to get identity from you, I will watch you too closely. I will become acutely aware of your weaknesses and failures. I will become overly critical, frustrated, and angry. I will be angry not because you are a sinner, but because you have failed to deliver the one thing I seek from you: identity. When I remember that Christ has given me everything I need to be the person he has designed me to be, I am free to serve and love you. When I know who I am, I am free to be humble, gentle, patient, forbearing, and loving as we navigate the inevitable messiness of relationships. Authored by Timothy S. Lane and Paul David Tripp

1 John 2:28-3:3 “28 And now, little children, abide in him, so that when he appears we may have confidence and not shrink from him in shame at his coming. 29 If you know that he is righteous, you may be sure that everyone who practices righteousness has been born of him. 1 See what kind of love the Father has given to us, that we should be called children of God; and so we are. The reason why the world does not know us is that it did not know him. 2 Beloved, we are God’s children now, and what we will be has not yet appeared; but we know that when he appears we shall be like him, because we shall see him as he is. 3 And everyone who thus hopes in him purifies himself as he is pure.”

Part of the “How Can I Change?” series. See parts one, two, three, four, and five

Gratitude (1 Thess 5:18)

18 “give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.”

This should raise questions in your mind. “What about…” is what comes to mine. What about the really bad things? What about when I am sinned against? What about the Psalms? What about Jesus on the cross? There are a lot of questions that arise from this short verse.

What this passage isn’t saying:

1. We can always be skippy, giggly, leprechaun happy (nor would we want to be, thinking of it that way!)
2. We will not struggle with this
3. We will always understand a deeper reason for difficulties

What this passage is saying:

1. Giving Thanks is always possible (all circumstances)
2. Giving Thanks is always necessary (will of God)
3. Giving Thanks is for you (for you)

How is it connected to grace?

1. No matter what I receive, it is under God’s control (Job 1; Jas 1)
2. No matter what I receive, it is better than what I deserve (Rom 5)
3. No matter what I receive, Jesus understands and hears (Heb 4:15)

And if you think those “always” words are just scribal additions, look at these passages:

Eph 5:3-4 “But sexual immorality and all impurity or covetousness must not even be named among you, as is proper among saints.4 Let there be no filthiness nor foolish talk nor crude joking, which are out of place, but instead let there be thanksgiving.”

Eph 5:20 “giving thanks always and for everything to God the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ,”

Col 3:17 “And whatever you do, in word or deed, do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.”

Phil 4:4-7 “Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, Rejoice. 5 Let your reasonableness be known to everyone. The Lord is at hand; 6 do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. 7 And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”

What will it look like in my life? (How does that actually help me change?)

Example: You are over at your friends house when one of their siblings decides to aggravate the family. Your friend blows up and demonstrates a spirit of anger in various bursts. You watch this, and when it has all subsided you ask, “What was that?” Your friend realizes that anger is a regular part of life for them, but they truly don’t want it to be. How can you help them?

Here are some Steps that can help lead to change:

• Name the Sin (that’s anger, not just “letting off some steam”)
• Discover the reason for the sin (Why do you get angry? “Because they ____ me/my stuff”)
• Pursue a higher satisfaction (In this instance you are willing to sin [anger] because you feel as though you aren’t getting what you want [silence, space, etc]. So, right now, what you want is your god. But Jesus Christ is way better than that!)
• Pursue righteousness by being thankful

How could this help? Here is a mental picture that may help. Imagine holding a cup completely full of liquid, and whenever you get bumped, that spills out. Your life is like that cup. You are completely full of something, and whenever you get jostled, something spills out. In our illustration, your friend was full of anger. When bumped, that is what came out.

Let’s say you want to get rid of your anger, or envy, or lust, or fear. But when you try to get rid of it, your glass is just getting shorter. It is still full of something. Instead, you need to fill it up with what is good – and that can only be done through focusing on Christ. This is how gratitude helps us change. As we consistently choose gratitude by the grace of God, our lives are filling up.

What can I Do?

• How are you cultivating a life of gratitude?
• How might giving thanks uproot your desire for sin?
• Go through the “Week of Thanksgiving” with your accountability partners or mentor.

Here are two quotes from Robert Jones, “Learning Contentment in All Your Circumstances.”

“our spiritual happiness does not depend on our life happenings” (Robert Jones)

“Contentment comes as those who belong to Jesus rely on God’s powerful presence in the face of life’s trials” (Robert Jones).

Resources:

• Bridges, Jerry. “Chapter Eight: Thankfulness.” In The Practice of Godliness, 123–131. Colorado Springs: Navpress, 1985.
• ———. “Chapter Fourteen: Give Thanks Always.” In Trusting God: Even When Life Hurts, 223–234. New. NavPress, 2008.
• Burroughs, Jeremiah. Rare Jewel of Christian Contentment. Sovereign Grace Publishers, Inc., n.d.
• DeMoss, Nancy Leigh. “A Week of Thanksgiving.” Revive Our Hearts.
• ———. Choosing Gratitude: Your Journey to Joy. Chicago: Moody Publishers, 2009.
• ———. “Growing in Gratitude: A 30-Day Challenge.” Revive Our Hearts.
• Jones, Robert D. “Learning Contentment in All Your Circumstances.” The Journal of Biblical Counseling 21, no. 1 (2002): 53–61.
• Lambert, Heath. “Chapter Eight: Using Gratitude to Fight Pornography.” In Finally Free: Fighting for Purity with the Power of Grace, 121–134. Grand Rapids: Zondervan, 2013.
• Peterson, Andrew. “Don’t You Want to Thank Someone?” The Rabbit Room.
• Taylor, Justin. “G. K. Chesteron on Thanksgiving.”

Part of the “How Can I Change?” series. See parts one, two, three, and four

Radical Measures (Matt 5:27-30)

27 “You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’ 28 But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart. 29 If your right eye causes you to sin, tear it out and throw it away. For it is better that you lose one of your members than that your whole body be thrown into hell. 30 And if your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away. For it is better that you lose one of your members than that your whole body go into hell.“

What is the passage saying?

1. Sin is more pervasive than we believe

2. Sin is more dangerous than we think (cf Jas 1:14-15)

3. Sanctification is more painful than we want (cf Eph 4:17-32)

4. Salvation is more valuable than we realize (cf Phil 3:11)

Cancer is an excellent picture of radical measures. Nearly everyone has experienced cancer, or watched someone close to them battle it. It can be pervasive without us even realizing it. It can be killing without much more than a hint of problems. To deal with it often takes drastic surgeries, dangerous chemicals, or exhaustive treatments. But physical death is nothing in comparison to eternal death.

How is it connected to grace?

“…outward measures, regardless of how radical they are, can never change your heart” (Lambert, Finally Free, 72).

However:

• Radical measures are a response to the call of Christ in obedience
• Radical measure allow you to come to the surface to breathe.
• Radical measures allow you freedom to pursue righteousness (2 Tim 2:22)

What will it look like in my life? (How does that actually help me change?)

Example: Your friend has a problem. It is a nagging problem. It is a big problem. They can go for a week feeling as though they are growing in Christ like never before, only to turn around and dive into sin. This is followed by guilt, embarrassment, and resolve. But they just can’t shake it. Part of the problem is their access. The computer in their room, the phone in their pocket, the tv in the basement, or that place at the mall are like gateways to spiritual death. How would you help your friend pursue Christ over sin?

Steps:

• List the times and tools involved in the temptation
• Eliminate the temptations through amputation, making space to grow
• Make a plan for pursuing righteousness
• Follow through

Jay Adams says that there are four factors in achieving this:

• We must recognize the fact that we will be tempted to repeat our sin.
• We must prepare ourselves to meet and defeat temptation in the future.
• If the problem of past patterns surfacing in the future cannot be avoided, then something definitive must be done to prevent us from falling into old sinful ways. We needs to take definitive, concrete, radical action.
• Nothing must be spared in this process. Improper conduct must be curtailed even at the greatest cost!

What can I Do?

1. What is there in your life that has been a gateway to spiritual death?
2. What would radical amputation look like in your scenario?
3. Talk with your godly mentor about this.

If you keep access to sin close at hand, sooner or later you will dive in. (See Lambert)

Resources:

Lambert, Heath. “Pornography, Radical Measures, and the Gospel.” Biblical Counseling Coalition Blogs.

———. “Using Radical Measures to Fight Pornography.” In Finally Free: Fighting for Purity with the Power of Grace, 59–74. Grand Rapids: Zondervan, 2013.

Part of the “How Can I Change?” series. See parts one, two, and three.

The Church (Jas 5:19-20)

^“19 My brothers, if anyone among you wanders from the truth and someone brings him back, ²⁰ let him know that whoever brings back a sinner from his wandering will save his soul from death and will cover a multitude of sins.”

What is the passage saying?

1. Believers are:

A. Prone to wander. Why do you think James ended with this admonition? Because he knows that we are all sinners and easily swayed (Jas 1:5-8). We are tempted and drawn away (1:14-15), needing to repent and humble ourselves (4:1-10).

B. In need of others. When we wander, who will be there to bring us back if we have cut everyone off from our lives, or, if we have never joined with others?

2. Believers must:

A. Bring others back. Judging by James message to his brothers, there were plenty of difficulties. People were in trials (1:2-4), unwise (1:5-8), and under temptation (1:12-15). There was anger, filthiness, wickedness (1:19-21), and an aversion to living the Word (1:22-25).

B. Forgive others’ sin. Because of their state, they had created conflicts over partiality (Jas 2), their words (Jas 3), and their own desires (Jas 4). Which means there was a lot of sin to be forgiven. This was James intention in verse 20. Covering the sins of others is based on God’s forgiveness. The wanderer will have his sins forgiven but the one who returns the wanderer may also have to forgive (cover) the sins committed against himself.

How is it connected to grace?

Titus 2:11-14 reminds us that individual believers are part of a people, not merely a lone ranger. That means that Jesus intends to use others “to purify for himself a people for his own possession who are zealous for good works” (14). The amount of “one another” passages in the NT and the focus on the NT Church should be ample evidence of those intentions.

The Church is a tool Jesus uses to change us. It is a blessed gift, not to be overlooked, belittled, or avoided.

What will it look like in my life? (How does that actually help me change?)

Example: Your friend Larry used to come to church regularly and talk to you about spiritual matters, but everything has changed. He rarely ever attends church (anywhere) and changes the subject whenever spiritual topic of conversation arise. What should you do?

Steps:

• Pray for them
• Meet with them
• Listen to them
• Point them to Christ
• Walk with them
• Forgive them

What can I Do?

• Think of your three closest friends at church. Would you still come to church if they stopped coming?
• Who is in place to bring you back if you wander? Have you talked with them?
• Can you think of a once professing believer who is wandering? _________ What can you do?
• Find an mature believer this evening that you trust to bring you back. Ask them to pray for you regularly.

“Lone Rangers are Dead Rangers” (Josh Harris, Not Even a Hint)

“We need to live in close enough community to suffer with those who suffer and rejoice with those who rejoice. And we need to know one another well enough to hold each other accountable for spiritual progress” (Ryken, City on a Hill, 88).

Resources:

Chart from Brantley, Robert, and Astra Brantley. “The Grace of God’s Accountability.” The Journal of Biblical Counseling 17, no. 3 (1999): 45–47.

Bridges, Jerry. True Community: The Biblical Practice of Koinonia. NavPress, 2012.

Challies, Tim. One Another InfoGraph.

Lane, Timothy S., and Paul David Tripp. “Change Is a Community Project.” In How People Change, 73–90. Greensboro: New Growth Press, 2006.

Middletown Bible Church. “Immature and Mature Believers Contrasted.”

Moore, Russell. “Miracle Together: Corporate Dynamics in Christian Sanctification.” In Acting the Miracle: God’s Work and Ours in the Mystery of Sanctification, edited by John Piper and David Mathis, 107–126. Wheaton: Crossway, 2013. Read a full review of the book here and get the free pdf here

Jarvis Williams wrote a very helpful chapter on means of God’s grace in our everyday sanctification. He essentially lays out four tools that God enables us to use to see growth in our personal lives.

Summary:

3 Points:

1. “First, God’s action for us and in us through Christ is the foundation underneath our pursuit of practical maturity in the gospel of Jesus Christ” (89). This is explained through a treatment of foreknowledge and predestination in the NT.

Part of the “How Can I Change?” series. See part one here. See part two here.

Accountability (Gal 6:1-2)

^“1 Brothers, if anyone is caught in any transgression, you who are spiritual should restore him in a spirit of gentleness. Keep watch on yourself, lest you too be tempted. ² Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ.”

What is the passage saying?

1. The believer is to:

A. Restore the broken (1). Restore means “to cause to be in a condition to function well, put in order. Restore to a former condition, put to rights” (BDAG). When Jesus was selecting his disciples he found them “restoring” their nets (Matt 4:21). They had to mend them in order to be able to use them again.

Once, while playing racquetball with a friend, our game was interrupted by the dislocation of my opponent’s knee. I still believe it was an act of saving himself the embarrassment of losing to me, but he claims it was not. After many attempts to deal with it, I was finally able to pop it into place. Upon which, I promptly dropped his leg and let it bounce off a hard surface. It was a disturbing moment. We had to set it. We had to mend the problem.

Those who have been caught in a transgression are often the ones who are immediately executed by our words, gossip, or pity. We see them as “damaged” and either deserving of a shocked and horrified reaction or a patronizing shake of the head and abandonment.

Restoring means we pick them up and point them to the healer of souls (Matt 11:28-30).

B. Carry the burden (2). I have two options when I am dealing with someone who is broken. I can heap more weights onto their back (remember the Pharisees in Matt 23?), or I can begin to shoulder their present burden.

I carry the burden of others by entering into their life and helping them along. This is done by pointing them to Jesus (Isa 53:4).

2. The believer needs:

A. Others to restore them when they sin (Jas 3:2)

B. Others to bear their burdens (1 Thess 5:14)

How is it connected to grace?

You and I need grace to help others. We are not naturally inclined to restore those who are broken, especially not those who have sinned against us. We are also not inclined to carry the burdens of others rather than focusing on our own concerns.

We also need grace to receive that ministry. We don’t want to ask others for help. We don’t want others to know us deeply. That takes God’s grace.

What will it look like in my life? (How does that actually help me change?)

Example: You have a friend who wants to meet with you some afternoon after school. You sit down at the coffee shop and begin to talk. This friends opens up to about a consistent struggle with sinful behavior they have been having for awhile. They unload on you, expressing their heart and desire to be rid of this yet not knowing where to go. At this point your friend breaks down and begins to question whether they really should have said all that.

What do you do? Here are some steps you can take:

• Listen
• Pray with them and for them
• Point them to the cross
• You establish a plan
• You follow up
• Seek help if necessary

But what if that is you hiding away this consistent struggle with sin? What do you do?

• Think of someone who you know.
• Who is a believer
• Who is mature
• Who you can trust
• Make an appointment to talk with them

Homework

• What is the sinful pattern in your life that needs to change?
• Who do you trust with helping you with this struggle? Have you talked to them? Do you need to confess a “self-sufficient” attitude?
• Are you helping someone else in their struggle? Are you consistent? What can you do to help them this week?
• Read Prov 27:17 and then write out a prayer to God for the friend you are seeking to sharpen, and for a friend who would sharpen you.

More Reading:

Knapp, Jackie. “How to Counsel as a Friend.”

Lambert, Heath. “Using Accountability to Fight Pornography.” In Finally Free: Fighting for Purity with the Power of Grace, 45–58. Grand Rapids: Zondervan, 2013.

Lutzer, Erwin W. “The Intercession of Christ and Believers.” In Getting to No: How to Break a Stubborn Habit, 129–140. Colorado Springs: David C Cook, 2007.

I have been encouraged by this chapter written by Ed Welch where he deals with how we minister to people who are hurting.

Part of the “How Can I Change?” series. See part one here

Godly Sorrow (2 Cor 7:8-11)

^“8 For even if I made you grieve with my letter, I do not regret it—though I did regret it, for I see that that letter grieved you, though only for a while. ⁹ As it is, I rejoice, not because you were grieved, but because you were grieved into repenting. For you felt a godly grief, so that you suffered no loss through us. ¹⁰ For godly grief produces a repentance that leads to salvation without regret, whereas worldly grief produces death. ¹¹ For see what earnestness this godly grief has produced in you, but also what eagerness to clear yourselves, what indignation, what fear, what longing, what zeal, what punishment! At every point you have proved yourselves innocent in the matter.”

What is the passage saying?

1. There are two kinds of sorrow. Worldly sorrow and Godly sorrow

Only Godly sorrow leads on to change

Godly and worldly sorrow overlap at the beginning. Both feel a loss. Both are emotional. But the further you go the further they separate. Godly sorrow feels the pain of the consequences (Heb 12:7) but it points them toward God, not their own loss.

Worldly sorrow is focused on “I sinned” whereas godly sorrow is focused on “I sinned against God”

How is it connected to grace?

• Who has brought the Grace of God? Jesus, through his sacrifice.
• What am I to focus on when I am sorrowful? My sin against a Holy and Loving God.
• What does that motivate me to do? Repent and Obey

What will it look like in my life? (How does that actually help me change?)

Example: While they are out, you have directly disobeyed your parents by doing something they have told you is wrong. You know they will find out because of the evidence, someone else, because the principle is going to meet with them, etc. You legitimately feel sorrow. What does godly sorrow look like in this moment and how does it help you change AFTER you have already sinned?

Steps in Godly Sorrow:

• Repentance (10) – to God and those you sinned against
• Eagerness to clear yourselves (11) – you take measures not to sin again
• Indignation (11) – you call what you did sin, and you recognize what that sin actually costs
• Fear (11) – you view your sin in light of God’s holiness
• Longing (7, 11) – you desire to do right and pray for strength to change
• Zeal (7, 11) – you make a plan and consistent effort to root it out of your life
• Punishment (11) – you take the punishment as an opportunity to grow in godliness (Heb 12:7)

Homework

• What is the sinful pattern in your life that needs to change?
• Would you say that godly sorrow has been present?
• Which of the steps above need to be taken right now?
• Read Ps 51 and then write out a prayer to God.

“Sanctification, therefore, will be marked by penitence more than perfection.” (DeYoung, The Hole in Our Holiness, 139).

More Reading:

DeYoung, Kevin. “That All May See Your Progress.” In The Hole In Our Holiness: Filling the Bap between Gospel Passion and the Pursuit of Godliness. Wheaton, Ill.: Crossway, 2012.

Lambert, Heath. “Using Sorrow to Fight Pornography (ch 2).” In Finally Free: Fighting for Purity with the Power of Grace. Grand Rapids: Zondervan, 2013.

Whitney, Donald S. “Do You Still Grieve Over Sin?” In Ten Questions to Diagnose Your Spiritual Health. 1St Edition. NavPress, 2001.

We have started a new series on Wednesday nights entitled, “How can I Change?” There will be a series of post which will focus on answering this question.

“How Can I Change?”

We began by studying Titus 2:11-14.

^“For the grace of God has appeared, bringing salvation for all people, training us to renounce ungodliness and worldly passions, and to live self-controlled, upright, and godly lives in the present age, waiting for our blessed hope, the appearing of the glory of our great God and Savior Jesus Christ, who gave himself for us to redeem us from all lawlessness and to purify for himself a people for his own possession who are zealous for good works.”

In that passage, Paul reveals two perspectives of grace:

1) Forgiving grace (“redeem us from all lawlessness”)

2) Transforming grace (“training us to renounce…”)

All change is motived and enabled by grace. It is a work of God (Phil 2:13).

But just because change is a work of God, we are not exempt from effort. There is no “let go and let God” in the battle for godliness. There are far too many commands to make that a legitimate option. Rather, godliness is a fight waged by the grace of God.

As we work through the study we will be addressing various tools used in our sanctification, wielded by the grace of God. These include godly sorrow, accountability, confession, prayer, etc.

Some resources that we will be using are:

Bridges, Jerry. The Pursuit of Holiness. Colorado Springs: Navpress, 1978.

———. The Transforming Power of the Gospel. Colorado Springs: NavPress, 2012.

DeYoung, Kevin. The Hole In Our Holiness: Filling the Gap between Gospel Passion and the Pursuit of Godliness. Wheaton, Ill.: Crossway, 2012.

Lambert, Heath. Finally Free: Fighting for Purity with the Power of Grace. Grand Rapids: Zondervan, 2013.

Mahaney, C.J., and Rovin Boisvert. How Can I Change?: Victory in the Struggle Against Sin. Edited by Greg Somerville. The Pursuit of Godliness. Gaithersburg, Maryland: Sovereign Grace Ministries, 1993.

Piper, John, and David Mathis. Acting the Miracle: God’s Work and Ours in the Mystery of Sanctification, 2013.

Whitney, Donald S. Spiritual Disciplines for the Christian Life. Colorado Springs: NavPress, 1997.

Whitney, Donald S. Ten Questions to Diagnose Your Spiritual Health. 1St Edition. NavPress, 2001.